Abstracts for the World Hearing Voices Conference

Later this year this amazing conference is being held in Melbourne and I'm determined somehow to go. Last year it was in Cardiff, and I had an abstract accepted but was unable to fund the trip. I've just submitted this bio and these three abstracts... wish me luck. :)

Bio

I’m a poet, writer, and artist living with ‘multiple personalities’. I’m co-founder and chair the board of non-profit organisation The Dissociative Initiative. In the past few years of work in mental health I've been developing peer-based resources, facilitating groups, and giving talks and presentations about dissociation, trauma recovery, and voice hearing. I've also been a full time carer for others with ‘mental illness’. I’m passionate about creating alternative frameworks to that of mental illness and reclaiming madness as valuable.

Voices as parts: Understanding multiplicity and other dissociative experiences

Dissociation is often misunderstood and 'multiple personalities' is seen as rare and bizarre. Some voice hearers are struggling with dissociative issues and/or experiencing some of their voices as parts. These are commonly interpreted as psychotic experiences and can be confusing and distressing, such as the sense of being possessed. I will share some of my personal experiences of how dissociation affects me, what it is like to have voices that are parts, and strategies I have used in my own recovery. I will also share a framework for making sense of the array of dissociative experiences, including multiplicity. My experience has been that multiplicity is a spectrum, and I will explore common forms of multiplicity we can all relate to in a non-sensationalist way. I do not locate these experiences within the ‘mental illness’ paradigm, but nor do I minimize the suffering they can cause. For people who hear voices that are parts, there can be additional challenges to recovery such as conflict over control of the body. Parts can present a voice hearer with an additional threat to their sense of identity, and their exclusive right to determine the course of their own life. I will explain some basic principles of working successfully with parts and living as a multiple. I hope to inspire people to feel more comfortable and confident in discussing and navigating dissociative issues, and encourage people that it is possible to live well with voices who are parts.

Embracing Diversity – Life as a Tribe

I will share my experience of living with voices who are parts – from confusing childhood issues, diagnosis within the mental illness paradigm, to my current passion for peer work. A personal sharing of my own movement towards greater understanding and self-acceptance, and my rejection of the mental illness model in favour of “a grand adventure of self discovery”. I’ll share sad and funny life stories about multiplicity that will help people better understand the experience and reflect upon their own identity growth and relationship to community. Drawing upon my skills in the creative arts I’ll share some of the pain and joy of life as a tribe. This talk will invite audience questions and welcome friendly curiosity about the nature of multiplicity.

Supporting someone through a dissociative crisis

Despite the psychiatric tendency to divide experiences into discrete categories, we are becoming more aware that experiences such as anxiety, psychosis, and dissociation can commonly occur together. We now have Mental Health First Aid training offering suggestions to support people through various common crises such as a panic attack. However, few of us know how to recognise or support someone experiencing a dissociative crisis. I will discuss common experiences, an understanding of triggers, and the role of trauma. Common problems for people with parts in crisis will also be touched upon such as major internal power shifts, abuse between parts, vulnerable or child parts getting stuck ‘out’, and chronic cries for help. Harmful coping techniques will be explored in the context of an attempt to manage and gain control over these experiences. I will demonstrate how to understand and map these harmful approaches, such as alcohol abuse or self harm, in a way that opens up many other possibilities for effective grounding techniques that are individual and specific. The protective role of dissociation will also be discussed, and the need at times to trigger or increase dissociation both for safety and to make possible deep emotional renewal. 

About Eating Disorders

There's more than one way to get an eating disorder. Eating disorders are another mental illness that, to my mind, are poorly defined or understood, often mis-characterised and stereotyped, and far more complex than most people realise.

The DSM has a truly bizarre way of classifying eating disorders, with single symptoms such as weight or menstruation sufficient to bounce you out of one category and into another - and back again should those symptoms change. I don't find this useful at all. I prefer not to use the clinical terminology and the irrational clusters of symptoms. I prefer to talk about food and body issues. This is a big category, there are many different ways these issues are expressed, and many different reasons people find themselves struggling with these issues. Our classic perception is a young woman starving herself because she fears getting fat. This is real, it happens. But the field is so much broader than this too, and the complexity of people's distress so much more than we, as a culture, really understand.

The categories I find most useful are simply descriptive of behaviour or compulsions. Some people are not eating enough. Some people are eating more than enough. Some people are purging what they eat. A lot of people are doing two or all three of these. So we have restricting, binging or overeating, and purging.

These issues are prevalent! They are under-resourced - in SA we have only 2 inpatient hospital beds to support people with eating disorders - for our entire state. In my work as an ED Peer Worker I have often discussed and supported people to travel interstate to Victoria or Queensland for inpatient treatment as the wait list here is so long. We recently also lost our free counselling service for people with eating disorders that was running through Women's Health Statewide. And yet, Eating Disorder are significantly on the rise in our population, and they carry the highest mortality rate of any of the mental illnesses. The risk of suicide is high, and the physical complications of disordered eating can be severe.

But the community perceptions can be appalling. It is assumed that people who restrict food are the most 'serious' and have the 'real' problems, whereas some studies have found that the mortality rates are actually highest for those who have a mixed condition. These people may not appear particularly underweight or unwell and as a result may not be taken very seriously. When resources are scarce, these are not the people who find themselves prioritised for treatment. The common myth is that people with eating disorders are vain young women who need to wake up to themselves. The reality is that anyone can struggle with disordered eating. The shame around these issues mean that most people struggle in secret, they feel deeply distressed, they lie to those closest to them and find their relationships cracking, they are infuriated with their own 'weakness', they internalise all the cultural myths about being weak, selfish, self-involved, vain, and useless, and they find themselves struggling in quicksand and going down.

I haven't come across one 'classic' presentation of a person with an eating disorder in my work. I've come across a whole range of reasons people find themselves struggling with these issues. Most of us at some time in our lives will find ourselves struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with food. For most of us, fortunately, this will be fleeting. We'll struggle for awhile then settle back into good routines again. 

For some of us, we get stuck. We get stuck in different patterns and for different reasons. Some of us are deeply concerned about weight gain and desperate to be thin. Some of us have severe food issues but don't own a set of scales or count calories. There are many different ways that an eating disorder can start, and many different reasons people can find themselves having struggles with food. Distress in areas like body image isn't always in play, and it's a terrible dis-service to people to not believe them - or have anything to offer them, if their food issues have a different cause. Here are some commons reasons people can have major issues with food:

• Body issues such as a desperate fear of gaining weight, pregnancy, menstruation, onset of puberty, and so on. These can be very complex and arise out of other struggles with life, relationships, and self.
• Obsessive compulsive issues, for example around issues with germs, or extreme religious fasting.
• Developmental or neurological challenges, for example only eating foods or a certain colour, or having nutritionally limiting requirements about texture or patterns of eating.
• Psychotic issues, eg refusing to eat for fear food has been poisoned, or contains microchips.
• Pica - the appetite for non-food substances such as dirt.
• Mania changing the appetite. Some people eat voraciously when manic and do not feel full. Others forget about eating entirely. Some people do a bit of both in a binge starve cycle.
• Depression changing the appetite - see mania.
• Anxiety issues. When someone is afraid, the body goes into 'fight or flight mode' and directs energy away from non essential areas like digestion. People with chronic anxiety may find they are not hungry, have dry mouth or heartburn, and feel sick or involuntarily purge if they make themselves eat.
• Dissociation issues. Chronic dissociation can blunt sensations such as hunger. People may not dislike the idea of food, they may simply be unable to feel hungry and forget to eat. It can also blunt the sensation of fullness so people may overeat or binge. For some people overeating or starving to the point of pain triggers dissociation in a way that is soothing.
• Multiplicity issues. Some parts may not ever eat, so if they are out for a long time the body starves. Some people have difficulty with many parts coming out over the day and all of them eating, or none of them eating. It can be difficult to coordinate things like food intake if there's a lot of switching and a lack of communication or co consciousness.
• Self harm issues. Binging or starving to the point of pain is a way some people inflict pain on themselves. Denial of food or forcing unpleasant purging can be a method of punishment or self torture.
• Abuse issues. Some people disconnect from their bodies following abuse and find the idea of caring for it and feeding it appropriately very alien and difficult. Sometimes food is part of abusive behaviour or strict punishments, where it is withheld, or a child is forced to eat when they don't want to, or forced to eat food they dislike, overly hot or unpleasant food, or non food items. This can lead to enduring patterns and problems with food.
• Addiction issues - for some people food issues are part of a broader pattern of addiction and difficulty with regulating impulses.
• Drug issues - many prescription and recreational drugs alter the appetite or metabolism.
• Social issues such as isolation, bullying, or domestic violence can disrupt healthy eating patterns and a good relationship with yourself and your body, or can lead to extreme weight management as a perceived solution eg. a preteen boy teased for being chubby may focus on starving and weight loss as a way of preventing bullying and gaining social acceptance.
• Grief often changes eating patterns for a while. Some people go on to struggle with food or their body in the longer term.
• Health problems - any number of physical conditions can affect your appetite, energy, metabolism, sleep patterns, and digestive health! Physical conditions can also link into other issues, so what started as vomiting due to Irritable Bowel Syndrome, may become purging as a way to manage chronic anxiety. Nausea, pain, digestive problems and appetite changes should always be investigated rather than assumed to be psychological.
• Psychosomatic distress, where food or digestive problems are part of a bigger picture of emotional distress, for example involuntary purging that settles down once other major emotional stress is reduced.
• Attachment issues. For example children who have experienced huge stress such as being moved into the foster care system may have an unusual relationship with food, stealing or hoarding it, refusing to eat when watched, keeping food that has gone bad, or binging when food is available.

These difficulties can also tangle together, so someone may be struggling with a combination of thyroid issues, a recent bereavement, and long term self harm issues, all of which is presenting as disordered eating. The most useful approaches for some of these concerns is quite different from others - there is no one size fits all cure. But having said that, my experience has been that the basics behind the Recovery Model and Trauma-Informed Care were a good fit for most everyone no matter where they were coming from. People were all different - some were in denial about their food intake and I spoke with deeply distressed family or friends instead. Others were very aware of how wrong things had gone for them and desperate to find a way out. Some people were at the start of their struggles, others had been fighting a war for years. People wanted to be heard, and to be treated with respect. Those who were not struggling with body issues were desperate for someone to believe them that weight was not their focus. People needed to hear that they were not weak, vain, or pathetic. They needed to hear that there was not one way out of an eating disorder, but that there is a way out! 

I asked a question of almost everyone I was in contact with in my role as an Eating Disorder Peer Worker, which was - "Have you ever met anyone who has recovered from an eating disorder?" Almost everyone had not. To me, this is huge. People need to see that other people have recovered. We need to be able to meet them, read about them, learn from them. We need to see there are roads out, and not one road but many! We need to be given the freedom to try different roads, different approaches, techniques, and frameworks so we can find our own good fit. We need to talk to people who get it. We need a way out of shame and isolation.

We really do deserve better. We deserve easy to access, good quality supports that understand issues with food can be complex and arise for many different reasons. We deserve clear information about these reasons, access to peers in a safe and supportive way, and the opportunity to try different approaches. I'm frustrated and distressed that this is not the situation we are in, in large part I believe because the community perception, and therefore the perception of funding bodies, are two commonly believed myths - that eating disorders are just about vanity, and that people with eating disorders never get better anyway so there's no point in funding services. Rubbish!

If you or someone you care about has an eating disorder, I'm sorry. You deserve a lot better. But, there is hope. All over the world, people are navigating their distress without amazing services. People who hear voices are escaping the clutches of hospitals and talking to each on the internet about how to cope instead. People with PTSD are running their own support groups. People with sensory issues as part of mild autism are discovering they're not alone. You can seek therapy privately, read books, reach out to recovered/recovering peer workers, and fumble your way through to your own needs and solutions. You are not alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are stronger than you realise. You deserve a good life. You can recover.

Reporting a suicide threat on Facebook

I've just had to swing into action and find out what to do when someone posts on Facebook that they have overdosed and are dying. I had crept into bed, written in my journal, rescued Tonks from his own tiny cat collar when he managed to get his bottom jaw under it, had a mug of warm milk with cinnamon and honey, and was just closing down my light on my phone when it popped up in my feed. Now I'm out in the lounge on my computer, feet frozen, sticky with sweat in my dressing gown, exhausted beyond bearing, and too dazed to sleep.

I'm the sole admin for the DI open group on facebook, which currently has about 150 members... between that at my personal friends most of whom have mental health stuff and some of whom are going through seriously nasty crap, this was bound to happen sometime.

In case it does happen to you, here's the link to report it urgently to facebook: https://www.facebook.com/help/contact/305410456169423

You can also call people, in Australia try

• Lifeline 13 11 14 (free from landlines and mobiles)
• ACIS 13 14 65 for mental health emergencies
• Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 (for young people aged 5 to 25)
• Or 000 for an ambulance if you know the person is in life threatening danger and where they are

In America they have the suicide prevention lifeline on 1800 273 8255. If the person has posted stuff about suicide on a different type of website eg tumblr, here's links to report to other emergency suicidal content people: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/Online

If you're affected by suicide - either yourself or by someone else and need to talk, I've also found the suicide call-back service helpful - obviously these ones aren't for immediate crisis stuff like this. http://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au

So, I've done what I can. It's been a long day. I'm still very sick. Some of my friends are going through terrible things and my heart is broken for them. Other things are wonderful, like my dear sister returning from a long stay overseas, we were able to catch up a little tonight for dinner and I was so happy to see her. I haven't slept much in days, my system has been a riot with so much going on, and the internal noise is almost unbearable as we all start to feel a little better and chatter away to each other... sleep is hard to come by.

I had hopes for tonight, until this.

It's now 5.30am. I've just had a gentle conversation with a chap on lifeline... sometimes it's just unbearable, I hear so many terrible stories of pain and suffering and because of confidentiality, they all stay with me, locked inside... sometimes it's unbearable not having the power to make things right, to make doctors care for suicidal patients they are throwing out of hospital, to take away stigma and discrimination and violence and cruelty and poverty and loss... to be left simply with the role of being a witness, of standing vigil and saying - I see it, and it is not right, and I see that you suffer, and that is not right... to not turn aside or pretend or downplay or victim blame, but to bear to see and hear and know of these things and to stand with the people that endure them or are broken by them...

...It is wrong and I cannot make it right but I will bear witness and I will remember...

...and then to somehow let it all go, to let the pain flow through me and past me, to let go of the rage that makes me want to wake the world from their beds and scream at them - can't you see what is happening here? How can you sleep when people are suffering like this? How can you be at peace when such injustice is being done? There's a rage in me that wants to torch buildings and set trees burning as beacons in the night. My people are being destroyed, they are suffering, they are humiliated, abused, powerless, they are dying. We need to hear their stories. We need to know the results of our indifference, the ends of the systems and structures we create.

I feel sick.

I must stand strong, and I must let go.

There's a sad, sad song in my soul tonight. For all the ones that life ran over, all their bright dreams turned to dust, their hopes ashes, bitterness and humiliation and grief in the night, the little people who did not have power to make it better or to have a voice or even to speak the things that went wrong for them, the way life became brutal, stuck in the throat, clawed their breath. For all the ones who find ourselves on the shores, watching other people's ships sinking, we who love, and grieve, and despair, we who weep and watch, who mourn with them and feel their heartache in our hearts and carry their sorrows like black crows on our souls, we who remember their ancient joys and hopes with bitterness, long after they have passed. We who are witness, bound by love to not turn away. We who carry burdens of guilt and longing and regret, with tears that never entirely stop flowing, hands wrinkled and crusted with salt, gifts of love in our mouths like bright oranges, like birds that take flight over storms. We know that love is everything and that love is also not always enough.

There's a sad song in my soul tonight for how hard life can be, how lonely and painful and desolate, and this is a truth that nothing else changes, all the joy and hope and brightness in the world does not alter even a little, a shadow that lays beneath all hope, a river that runs under rock. Life is beautiful and life is anguish. This is a truth in my left hand and a truth in my right.

There's a sad song in me tonight, if I sing it, if I let myself cry, if I can but reach out and touch it, it may sing me to sleep, it may sweep me down that dark river to some kind of peace.

Hearing Voices Links and Information

If you're looking for support around the experience of hearing voices, here are all the resources and links I'm aware of. Firstly a few from this blog:

• About Voice Hearing
• Voice Hearing Resources
• My Personal Experience of Voice Hearing
• What's it like to have Hallucinations?
• Should We be Afraid of Psychotic People?
• The Voices Vic Conference 1
• The Voices Vic Conference 2
• The Voices Vic Conference 3
• What does Recovery Mean?

The International Voice Hearing Community has a website at www.intervoiceonline.org and a facebook group for anyone to join to share and discuss experiences at www.facebook.com/groups/intervoice This is open to people who hear voices as well as friends and family looking for information and support.

For children and young people who hear voices, Voice Collective is UK based and found at www.voicecollective.co.uk they have a number of free resources including this online booklet: For Parents Carers and Family Members of Young People who Hear Voices or See Visions.

Here's a list of Australian based organisations and groups:  

• Hearing Voices Network Australia www.hvna.net.au
• Hearing Voices Network NSW www.hvnnsw.org.au
• Voices Vic hwww.prahranmission.org.au/hearing_voices

Here in South Australia, we have currently one group meeting every week, called Sound Minds. Details on the Mental Illness Fellowship of SA website here: www.mifa.org.au/voice-hearers-group This is run by Ben and Anna, you can ask to speak with them on (08) 8378 4100. If you experience your voices as parts, there's a group called Bridges running weekly you may wish to contact. That's run through the Dissociative Initiative who can be found here: dissociativeinitiative.wordpress.com. There's also a number of books on voice hearing in the DI library which you can borrow free if you live in SA.

There are many other Voice Hearing Activists who themselves hear or have heard voices and now work in Mental Health sharing their experiences and resources, a couple are listed here:

• Rufus May rufusmay.com
• Jaqui Dillon www.jacquidillon.org
• Ron Coleman www.roncolemanvoices.co.uk
• Eleanor Longden www.hearing-voices.org/tag/eleanor-longden

If you're in a crisis situation, please reach out for help. In Australia you can call 000 for a life threatening situation, or ACIS on 13 14 65 for mental health crisis, or to speak with someone urgently Lifeline www.lifeline.org.au are available on 13 11 14. These are all available 24/7 and although they're not specific for voice hearing if you or someone else is in danger they are the fastest support available. If you're struggling to get support from ACIS, I would suggest reading

• How to call ACIS

If you're still struggling to find something local or you'd like to talk with me about your situation, you're welcome to send me an email to sarah@di.org.au, but please be aware I'm extremely busy and may take a week or more to get back to you. Best wishes and take care x

It's all happening!

College has started again (my Bachelor degree in Visual Arts and Design), the Cert 3 in Microbusiness Operations has started, and everything is moving fast. I'm a week into being off a med I've been on for over ten years and so far my head is still attached which is a good sign.

The People Painting business is coming along in leaps and bounds. I've started a blog on that website where I'll now be posting my pictures and information about upcoming events. Check it out at sarahkreece.wordpress.com. The training on one-stroke techniques was really interesting and I'll be posting pictures about that soon there too.

The microbusiness cert is interesting and relevant and starts painfully early in the morning which is killing my sleep routines. Nonetheless, very much worth it and thrilling to access it free on the Skills for All scheme.

College is jaw droppingly awesome and my little heart is singing to be back again. I hit major issues with the timetable and wound up shifting a class and dropping one class. I just can't pull off three classes and the microbusiness at the same time. As it is, tomorrow I will start study at 9:30am with the Microbusiness course, work through to 4:30pm, run off to college to start my Digital Media class at 5pm, and finish up for the day at 8:30pm. So I'm going to be moving very slowly and being very careful with my sleep and energy this week.

The classes I'm taking are Digital Media and Art History. Digital Media is tempting me tremendously as a possible major, the opportunities to play and create are awesome! I'm in love with it all. I also adore handing in a journal that is actually a Tumblr account... go and join me there at sarahsdigimedia if you're interested.

I've also been working hard on new resources for the DI... and the new website is starting to look smart. Have a look at dissociativeinitiative.wordpress.com. This year one of my major goals is turning Bridges into a day/evening group on alternating weeks - we have a number of people keen to participate in the group who have found that working 9-5 excludes them. We are in talks at the moment and things are looking very promising to be able to make this change very soon!

Stay tuned! :)

Business growth and other news :)

I have started a new facebook page for my People Painting business! Come and look and like it here. I've been posting pictures of my work, especially those of my own designs such as this lovely glove:

Things are moving on the business front! I am currently studying a Cert 3 in Microbusiness Operations through Learning Potential International as part of the Skills for All program. This course has been designed to help people with some kind of disability to turn a hobby into a home business. I'm learning a lot, making some new friends, and spending a lot of hours thinking and planning my business. There are some areas (paperwork, record keeping, and suchlike) that I'm really struggling with, and others (marketing, social media, customer relations) that I feel a lot more comfortable with and inspired about! We've just finished three full days with early mornings and a bit of warm weather and today I am a bit trashed. The next block of  classes isn't for a fortnight but it will be interesting as I'll also be starting my college classes for the B. Visual Arts and Design by then too, and this term I'm trialing doing three classes at once which is the most I have ever tried to do since I first became really sick back in 2003. I'm nervous and excited and spending my days off mostly in bed feeling like my skull is shrinking and crushing my brain, and watching episodes of Would I lie to you? on Youtube.

I have two People Painting events booked, I've made some great contacts in the local face painting industry, have found an inexpensive class to upskill my one-stroke techniques (I'm not expecting you all to follow that, it's a body painting thingamy), and I'm also booked in to deliver a (voluntary) presentation about Dissociation and DID to a local group of mental health staff. This all makes me very happy.

On the scary front, I'm just starting a trial of not taking one of the meds I've been on for the past ten years, so that my doctor and I can assess how it's been affecting me and how my illness has progressed in that time. This is rather nerve wracking and may turn out to be wonderful and clear up frustrating side effects, or may leave me curled up in bed crippled with pain. Only one way to find out!

I am hoping to find a Cert IV Training and Assessing course through the Skills for All program later this year to add to my skills base/resume as a Mental Health Peer Worker and Consultant. I'm also keeping my ear to the ground about a proposal by Shine SA to develop a new course about healthy sex/uality specifically for people with a mental illness that sounds very exciting.

The rest of the time, sleep and study are high on the agenda. Looking forward to autumn and cooler weather,  and hoping to find a new and better home for my lovely dog Zoe very soon. 

Credibility in different worlds

Working across different life areas the way I do is really interesting and somewhat head-bending. Peer work is already something I consider to have a 'foot in both worlds' of mental health 'consumer' and 'staff'. The first time I sat down at a lunch table and heard staff members bitterly complaining about consumers with frustration because they wouldn't attend a program they'd designed, I was shocked. The first time I sat with consumers who attacked not the practices but the character of all doctors, psychiatrists, staff, I felt my innards knot. Both consumers and staff often distrust me as having a primary loyalty to the other side. Sometimes having a foot in both worlds is painful and lonely, but I'm damn well determined to do it, because I see that as the heart of peer work, to unite what has been divided.

Then we add the creative world I also inhabit where I'm working with artists, poets, and writers. What a different world that is! It's always funny to me how we build credibility in different areas.

As a peer worker, credibility is everything, it's the platform on which I stand to have a voice. The usual way you establish credibility in the mental health world is through credentials. "Psychiatrist Gregory Brown says such-and-such." I don't have that (yet) so my credibility is based on lived experience, wide reading, and experience as a peer worker. I have to be conscious that my arty tendencies can play against me, that if I look like a hippy when talking to mainstream psychiatrists I quickly reduce my credibility. As a peer worker the message I have to give out to be accepted is that I'm normal, safe, trustworthy, reliable, and informed. Each audience I speak to is most comfortable with me if I appear to  be one of them, if I speak to them with respect, use their language, dress like them, understand their values. This is a world dominated by the tenants of psychiatry and social work, it is about systems and hierarchies, and about moderation and restraint. This is not a world comfortable with passion, excess, or madness.

The opposite applies in the art world. There is nothing so suspicious as someone who appears academic, mainstream, and normal. As an artist the message I have to give out to be accepted is that I'm brilliantly creative, unpredictable, talented, and utterly mad! It's probably best if I haven't slept in a fortnight and mainline cocaine. That's what real artists do. It's not just acceptable to have weird coloured hair, it's concerning if you bother to brush it before leaving the house. Turning up on time or at all is problematic, being able to handle money or make any kind of sense in an interview might have your work dismissed as 'too commercial'. Artists are supposed to be broke lunatics no one else understands.

Sometimes I wonder at the wisdom of trying to work in both of these areas. I have a sneaking suspicion that recognition in one actually plays against me in the other field. I'm trying to show the world of mental health that I'm sane and reliable, and the world of art that I'm mad and talented. Some days I feel like a magician with a sleight of hand trick going on - 'don't look here, look there!' so no one notices this. It is also a source of endless amusement to me, particularly in busy weeks where art and mental health gigs pile on top of one another. I go from mad to sane and back again in the space of hours, like changing my shoes. I get to harangue one audience intellectually, connect deeply with the next, make the next laugh, or think, or see things differently...

This is where it all comes together. Everything I do is about mental health. I can't help it, I can't help but think, speak, write, and paint about life, about what it is to be alive, and that is about mental health. And everything I do is about art, about freedom, creativity, expression, connection, communication, about being one of the makers rather than one of the destroyers, about hope, voice, truth. They're two sides of the same coin, two parts of a whole. I'm not happy in arts alone. I'm restless and discontent when I'm writing and painting alone. I crave the world of mental health, the intellectual stimulation of restructuring the DSM, researching the history of psychiatry, investigating alternative mental health movements. There's also a passion in me to connect with hurting people, and my personal history has left me fragile, but it's also left me with a lot of the skills to connect. I sit in my studio and the restlessness is like fire under my skin. I can feel the tides out there, the wave of humans in pain, in need, alone, and afraid, like I have been. I have to be on the front lines. I have to reach out. And I have to be an artist, a poet, a creator. It's not what I do, it's who I am, it's my voice, my name, my identity, my way of speaking and listening, my joy. It's what stitches my wounds.

I'm so sad sometimes at what straddling these worlds costs me. I doubt, I re-evaluate, I try to find a solution to the problem that I want to do, feel, learn, everything. My voracious appetite for life has only been enhanced by years of sickness and grief. Sometimes I come home from very hard days in mental health and I hate my job. I hate the pain I witness, the secrets I carry, the suffering and the lack of resources and grinding endlessness of it, the poverty and cruelty and savagery of the world. I hate it and I hate my choices, and I cry, and I think of all the books I could be writing, the canvases I could have painted, the films I could have worked on in that time. They are like unborn children. I could have gone entirely into a creative field, given myself up to huge passions and projects that are about life but do not wipe my face daily in the grit and filth of life. Some days I come home spent, empty, lost, burdened by people's trust, by their pain, by finding in myself what it takes to really look at someone who is suffering, to sit with them. Some days I wish I could be just one thing or the other.

But then, that's also what it is to be an artist. You are swept up in mad passions, you give yourself to them utterly, you are spent. You sleep, you hide, you grieve bewildered, and a new dream seeds in your heart. This is the nature of creativity and the cycle of life energy. You can hate it, fight it, deny it, but this is where the great work happens. The cost is high but so is the joy. Beneath doubt and frustration and impatience is passion and a profound certainty that I am following a path for myself that is right. I have found my calling. And however much it may confuse people at times, everything that makes me a good fit for the creative world is everything that makes me a good fit for the world of mental health, and vice versa. They just don't always know it yet. ;)

The Dissociation Inc Is Official!

We're registered as a legal entity now, all official and legit. The paperwork arrived in the post today, to much rejoicing!!

Next year some new plans and resources will start to be put into action with enthusiasm. In the meantime, we're all learning a lot and working hard. Our two face to face groups are going really well and continue to grow and develop every month, providing support for some amazing people struggling with some really tough issues. Our online groups are also going great, our open group now has over 100 members! We are supporting more people with trans and diverse gender needs which is wonderful as that is another under-resourced high stigma area. We're building bigger networks around Australia and some international too. Ticking along, ticking along. :-)

Dining Table!

I have a stunning antique dining table! I unfortunately, no longer have a lounge room, but that's a problem I'm working on. ;) It's absolutely beautiful and I adore it, belonged to parents of friends of mine. I need some chairs to go with it, and I'm paranoid about the possibility of Zoe gnawing on it, but just think of the wonderful dinner parties I'll have now! :) 
Working in the area of Eating Disorders lately I've noticed that my food issues have taken a little bit of a dive under the extra pressure. Getting a dining table to serve myself meals and enjoy them is one of the things I'm doing to manage that. Whee hee! :)

A Rather Long Day

Yesterday was one of those days that only starts to pick up a little once you realise it isn't going to work at all and write it off completely. I spent most of it in bed with a major headache and a painfully sore throat. It came on the night before but an evening of nursing it and chilling in front of DVD's didn't do the trick. I seem to be prone to tonsillitis now some of mine have grown back. :(

So I cancelled my day, even though I'd been really looking forward to everything booked in, started a big fight with a friend (which was smart, well timed, relevant, and helped out with my headache. Sigh) finally dragged myself out of bed around midday to sit at my computer crying and eating lollies, wearing a towel. This didn't help much. 

It's a bit of a learning curve, working in the area of eating disorders. I'm pretty good these days with my own food/body issues, but they're not completely behind me. Some days I feel like a fraud in my job. Particularly when the stress is getting to me and either I can't eat or I'm eating constantly to cope with it. 

So as the guilt/shame/self hate spiral kicked in with a vengeance I found someone kind to talk to, managed to eat breakfast, and finally had a shower and got dressed. I felt slightly more human and decided to head off to the sculpture studio where I feel at least slightly competent. I also have my project due on Monday, no extensions possible, and the lab isn't open over the weekend so it was weighing on my mind. 

The evening improved a bit from there. I bought extra chux and string on the way, found a free park, cried for a bit longer, limped into the studio, and set to work. I actually finished the project before we were asked to leave at 8.30pm, it was fun and good and I felt pleased with myself. The tutor was friendly and told those of us working late not to get nervous around him, that he has unconditional positive regard for all of us unless we start being mean to each other. He said that was essential for creativity. I said that was essential for life and worked on not crying again. I was also in a lot of pain because of all the bending to work on the bamboo cot, this project has been really hard for that. But it takes all the pressure off Friday and my weekend to have it done. 

Then I came home and gamed for a couple of hours, shooting zombies with a friend. Mindless and fun, like taking a holiday from my head for a while. I feel kind of fuzzy around the edges but I'm out of the pit. Zoe contributed to the evening by chasing Sarsaparilla under the furniture and chewing my aerial cable into about 40 small pieces. I managed two meals yesterday and my brain doesn't feel like someone has deep-fried it anymore. Maybe after another decent sleep things will be looking up. 

New Group Blue Skies

I'm starting a new group with Aceda, with co-facilitator Ellie! It will run weekly on Wednesday evenings for the next few weeks while we wait to hear about ongoing funding with Aceda. There's a lovely flyer below, which you can download or print from here. If you have food or body images issues and you'd like some support, please contact me on (08) 8297 4011, or sarah@aceda.org.au

I'm very excited about it, there's been a lot of requests for a new group to start and I'm glad we've been able to get something up and running so quickly. :) Sing out if you'd like to be on the mailing list for ED resources too.

So, you have an eating disorder...

What can I do for you? I have a contract with Aceda until the end of the year, in that time, what would be most useful? Is starting a group with an uncertain future worth it? How about education sessions or workshops? There are some amazing recovery strategies out there that it could be fantastic to explore in a safe workshop setting - overcoming self-loathing, developing a good relationship with your body, building confidence, tackling shame, creating a recovery tool kit, body territory and past traumas, food issues and dissociation, and so on. Or these could be great group topics to get discussions going, or education sessions for professionals.

Call me on 8297 4011 (I'll be starting on Monday and will return any calls if you leave a message) or send me an email to ed@aceda.org.au

The first resources I will be getting back up and running since the ED offices have been empty are responding to phone calls (and messages) and emails that have banked up, and sprucing up the professional referral list (for people looking for a counsellor, dentist, gp etc with some experience with eating disorders) so that it's current and useful. After that... well, that partly depends on what people ask for. So get in touch and let me know. :)

Major update!

Still not well! I've had tonsillitis and a chest infection since Wednesday eve last week and I'm thoroughly annoyed about it! I get better for a few hours and think I'm getting over it, then go down again, then up again... having trouble shaking it all. So, sorry for the blog silence! Aside from illness, much has been happening. :)

I have another job! I've contracted to Aceda, a local mental health organisation with a particular focus on eating disorders, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive issues. I am tremendously excited about this, lying in bed at night with ideas for new recovery workshops, thoughts about possible groups, and cunning plans for re-organising the cutlery drawer in the work kitchen running through my brain... A whole new project to sink my teeth into! I'm in my element.

I'm also doing a major restructure of my schedule! My 2012 goal list has frankly been outstripped and overtaken. This has been the most incredible year, starting with a safe home of my own in January, and exploding into opportunities, friendships, and creative endeavours. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around how much my life has changed in such a short time. Finally work that I've been doing quietly in many different areas has all started to take off at once. It's like standing in a fireworks factory that's exploding. I adore it!

The challenge now is to prune what I can't manage. This is heartbreakingly difficult. As a multiple, it is not in my nature to focus exclusively on one domain, however much I may wish to. It is essential for my mental health to be working on different goals and projects in different areas. Creating balance is a tremendous challenge! So, I am looking at all my goals and projects and setting aside those that don't need my urgent attention. The self publishing project will be moved off to next year. Plans for the garden are being culled but not entirely discarded. I will not be working with my voice hearing group Sound Minds for this term, although I will keep up the campfire social nights. I will not be running the same-sex attracted young women's group The Gap for this term either, although I plan to stop by whenever I can. I am maintaining two subjects in the art degree, and also maintaining the dissociation and/or multiplicity group Bridges. I will be adding in work at Aceda, and reorganising my housework and art homework days. I will be maintaining the volunteer work with Radio Adelaide, and shrink appointments. I will be adding in at least one evening a week spent down the beach with Zoe, standing with my feet in the water and the breeze blowing the stress out of my brain. I will be nailing down one night a week to be alone, allow any switches that need to happen, especially making time for young ones or unhappy ones, or time to make our own art (rather than art for the degree) or write. I will be making sure there's time off; one gaming night a week with my sister, and space for socialising built in. I'm uncertain about maintaining or temporarily pruning back on facepainting, and about this blog. I'll have to trial a few weeks of the new schedule and see how I'm keeping up and how everyone in my system is feeling.

I'm still dating my lovely girlfriend, which is wonderful, and not good for getting any sleep! It's requiring higher levels of self control than I feel like possessing to hang up the phone at a reasonable time. We're also reading Harry Potter to each other, taking turns with the chapters, which is pretty good stress reduction. :)

Stay tuned! Exciting things afoot. :)

There's out

...and then there's out to your neighbours... I've been having a rough time since I moved in, with one neighbour shouting at me and sending the occasional hostile letter. In the last few months I've woken up a couple of times to find some minor vandalism. Last week was a bit special, had one of my windows super-glued shut. :(

This morning I was busy painting shoes and I could hear this neighbour complaining about me to others in my block which was pretty unpleasant. I turned up the music and kept my head down.

This afternoon I discovered that the local Messenger was running the story about me. Hence the sudden interest. You can read the article here, on page 18.(the last time icwas interviewed by The Messenger, it didn't run the story in my local area)

My first reaction is to feel ill. Stressed, exposed, discredited, humiliated, targeted. Feels like being back at school.

My second reaction (thank god for parts, they always have a different view) is defiance. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm a decent person and a respectful neighbour. People can think what they like, I'm holding my head up and I'm happy with my life. Out is where I wanted to be.

The Exhibition Is Up!

I spent a frantic morning before Bridges yesterday putting up all the artwork for this exhibition. The previous evening I had titled and written a brief description of each work, I dashed off to the library first thing to print these. When I arrived at Fullarton Centre, I found a corridor with newly installed overhead rails from which to hang the art. These are simply awesome, I would love to install them all through my house. The downside was being given a milk crate of tangled line and hooks to hang the art with. :-) I was madly rushing up and down this corridor, wrestling with lengths of clear nylon line and trying not to fall over my own feet. I arranged all the work, strung it up, cut out the titles, blue tacked everything discretely, and jumped up and down with excitement before running off to group. It really did look good, something special. I can finally really envisage my first solo exhibition somewhere with loads of new work and a big wonderful launch... I'm not quite there yet but at last it feels within my grasp! I'm tremendously proud of the work, to have created so much under such difficult circumstances, and kept it safe, it's such a joy to me. There's so much more still to come, my brain bursts at the seams with new images and ideas!

The descriptions is very new for me, it opens each work up so much more to reveal my personal imagery and symbolism. It was alarming to write because of this exposure! But I also think it is very powerful. So much modern art locks the viewer out, it is incomprehensible and alienating. I want to do the opposite, to invite people in, to be open and share the keys to understanding my work, to communicate through art.

But wow, is it revealing!

Earlier this week a reporter and photographer from the Messenger came by to put a story in the paper about Mindshare and the whole Big Circle Arts Exhibition Trail. I did an interview for the Messenger last year, which was fantastic. At the time I only disclosed that I had 'a dissociative disorder'. This time I talked about DID, multiplicity, parts, the whole shebang. First time I've done that with the media. I felt pretty ill for the rest of the day. But, I'm also proud of myself. One more message that this stuff is real and 'normal', not freakish or scary. Nibbling away at the myths and stigma. I'm hoping the art exhibition will do that too. The stress and anxiety and exposure are pretty high, but so is the delight and pride and excitement. I hope I've made the right calls.

People passionate about mental health

Without boring the hell out of you with a whole bunch of social dynamics theory, humans naturally form groups, or tribes. We gravitate to other people who are similar to ourselves, where we feel we belong, and create our own little worlds, our own idea of what 'normal' is. From inside our groups, we look out at everyone else in our culture, and our group is 'us' and they are all 'them'. We might get along just fine with some different groups, but most of us have our 'other', a cultural group we do not like, understand, or find anything admirable about. And often we feel totally justified in dehumanising, alienating, and shaming those others, who we consider to be beneath us. The enlightened educated who wouldn't make jokes about gay people, or derogatory comments about Asians consider that Northern Suburbs 'white trash' girls who go shopping in their ugg boots and have lower back tattoos are fair game. In blue collar circles it's the 'paper pushers' and academics. In wealthy areas it's the poor, the 'drop-outs' and 'dole bludgers'. For many of the middle class it's addicts. We've all got them. We all seem to need to find a reason that we are not like all those other pathetic, unhappy people, why our lives will be okay, our marriages will last, our dreams come true. We build theories that comfort us, often at the expense of our 'other', the people we allow ourselves the luxury of talking about with contempt.

I'm not talking about ideological differences, I have huge problems with neo-nazis and gangs because I loathe their values and behaviour. This is cultural, and not much more sophisticated than laughing at the next village because they put mud in their hair and think it looks good, while we all know that wearing blue anklets is the essence of beauty. We deride our 'other' and really struggle to see that under the different cultural norms, dress, and values, they are all just humans like us, and many have good values and are decent people. In a similar way, we also often struggle to see the flaws and nastiness within our own group. We tend to be permissive and accommodating, and defend our own from any perceived attack.

For many parts of society, people with mental illnesses are a convenient out group, who can be demonised, humiliated, and treated with contempt. It is becoming less socially acceptable to do this in some circles, which is a step towards reducing stigma and prejudice. But unfortunately for those of us with mental illnesses, we are in constant contact with one of our greatest 'other', the staff in the mental health system. Cramped into constant interaction, these two cultures are often at war, and as a peer worker, I'm painfully aware of how little each group understands or respects the other.

I've sat in pubs and felt the disgust as a loud conversation at the table over turns to how those crazy people should all be jailed for everyone's safety. But the level of contempt and loathing within the mental health system has been just as high, if differently expressed. The language changes as the culture evolves, but the contempt remains the same. I hear things like "consumers just want everything handed to them on a platter, they don't want to have to work for anything", "they don't take any responsibility for their own lives", "refuse to commit to the program", "clearly don't want to get better", "enjoy the attention", "faking it", "pathetic", "just bringing everyone down with them", "if they were really serious, they'd have killed themselves", "a drain on the system", "they think their story is more important than anyone else's". In some cases the hostility is more subtle, in others more overt. It's not everyone in the system of course! But in my experience, there's a lot of it. Most of these people are not awful people, they are deeply frustrated, they have been told they are responsible for making mentally ill people 'better', and they have been trained and now work in a structure that has a powerful them-and-us dynamic going on, where we the educated are here to fix those the sick. I hate everything about this. It utterly repulses me and I find it everywhere. People with mental illnesses themselves, once in staff positions, seem just as likely to pass these kinds of judgements on the 'borderlines', complex cases, addicts and traumatised, just as likely to react to the cultural conflict by taking more and more control away from those they are supposed to be helping, while talking about empowerment and having a voice.

People with mental illnesses cast into the consumer role in this relationship can be equally as hostile and divisive. I've sat in conversations where people talk about how "doctors just want to keep us sick so they get more money off us", how staff are "evil", "twisted", "parasites", "control freaks", "nazis", "who want us to suffer".

While I'm drawing a parallel between these similar, dehumanising behaviours, I'm not putting them on the same level. Why? Because the staff group has most of the power, control, and voice in this relationship. If this is a war, they have the biggest sticks. When you have a disagreement with your doctor, your doctor's opinion is the one that carries weight, in a letter for housing support, for child custody arrangements, for welfare. If you think your doctor is a bigot, and he thinks you're a drain on the system, your opinion carries no weight in his world. His opinion could see you thrown out of hospital and cut off from services despite being in crisis. And this happens.

So, what's my point? My point is that we have a massive culture clash that is hurting people. A forced relationship that lacks equality, reciprocity, humility, mutuality. Dehumanising each other is not helping. When you have two groups who dislike each other, one of the most powerful ways to reduce mutual contempt is to create what is called a 'superordinate group'. This is a larger identity that unites both groups, usually with a common goal where they work together, humanise and develop respect for one another, and overcome the original conflict. I would dearly love to see this in mental health. To have this idea of genuine partnerships between staff and consumers, a superordinate group of people who are passionate about mental health and who work together to create it. For this to happen, respect and equality need to replace control and contempt.

When I tell people I work in mental health, the reaction is often respect for my courage at working with those 'crazy people'. I tell them, I am those people. I'm 'crazy'. When I sit among service users and hear their disgust and ridicule of staff who try and fail so dismally at times to create useful services, I tell them I am those people too. I know how incredibly difficult it is to get it right, to create flexible structures that can adapt and respond to the vastly different needs of different people, the challenge to engage and support the most wounded and disillusioned, to cope with the hostility of service users who don't just get frustrated when you get it wrong but also believe you deliberately got it wrong.

As a peer worker, I am almost always the 'them', part of the other, a diplomat on foreign soil trying to translate and inspire and encourage without being seen as a spy in enemy territory. I don't see my dual citizenship as a challenge, I see it as a necessity, part of my identity as belonging to this whole community of people who are passionate about life, and peace, and easing loneliness, pain, grief, suffering. I'm not just a service user or a service provider, I'm someone who is passionate about mental health.

Talking at Tafe

I gave a talk at Tafe yesterday, it was the same format as last time, one hour of talking about myself... :/
This time, as the DI has incorporated and I'm more familiar with talking about multiplicity, I edited out the poems and added in information about parts and the dissociative diagnosis. I told them not one of my parts is an axe murderer and made them laugh. :) It went really well. I used dot points notes to keep me on track with just brief references to short stories about my experiences I could tell to illustrate points. And of course, a power point of artwork. I had to reassure them all at the outset that there were going to be no words on the powerpoint! I know how Tafe is. :) I really liked being able to use the same talk again, I usually write new ones. Even better, the flexible structure made it really easy to tailor on the go. At a couple of points where they started to drift I cut things short and moved on. Other times I saw a couple of people looking teary and was careful to take the heavy stuff gently. I talked about the limitations of my conditions, of the medical model, various obstacles to my recovery, and the things that have helped me recover.

One of the things I said is there are two fundamental needs people have to be able to recover from mental illness. One of these is freedom, and the other is mutual, reciprocal relationships. Many people have both of these taken away from them by our mental health system.

I feel slightly bad about it, a twinge of guilt that doing things to help these, predominantly young people, to see the mentally ill as equal humans will set them up for a lot of conflict in their work lives...

The feedback was really positive, which was great. I was on a high all yesterday, and while I'm feeling slower and quieter today, (or rather, switching from the euphoric to the thoughtful) so far the usual aftermath crash hasn't happened. I have a sneaky feeling it's lying in wait for a quiet moment. I'm ready for it.

Lived Experience Workforce

On Wednesday I attended a Lived Experience Workforce morning, for Peer Workers to talk about their concerns with their role and problem solve ways to improve things. The Peer Worker role is not new to health, but very new to Mental Health, and certainly new as a paid position. There are many complicating factors for peer workers in their jobs such as unclear job descriptions, divisions between clinical and non-clinical staff, difficulty accessing useful training and so on. One of the biggest difficulties in my opinion is the multiple roles and relationships that most peer workers have to juggle. When I walked in to the room yesterday, within a small bunch (say 30 - 40) of peer workers, there were people who are or once were:

• in a position of some kind of authority over me
• colleagues and co-workers
• friends I have known from outside mental health
• 'consumers' in situations where I was also a 'consumer'
• 'consumers' in my programs (where I am staff)

Wrap your brain around that!

I see two essential tensions for the peer worker role: 

1. Either it changes the way the mental health system functions, to be more inclusive, less hierarchical, more client-centred etc. or the mental health system changes the peer worker role to better fit with the existing system, thereby reducing most or all of the effectiveness of the role.
2. While it is absolutely appropriate for peer workers to campaign and advocate for better working conditions, appropriate supports etc. to always recall that as marginalised, disrespected and ignored as we are at times, the 'consumers' who we are supposed to represent are even more so and our primary job is to help change that. As a friend of mine said - peer workers may be on the bottom rung of the ladder, but consumers aren't even on it. If we get a taste of the possibilities of respect, credibility, worth, and dignity, and pursue it for ourselves at the cost of pursuing it for consumers we will become merely one more cog in the machine that grinds over the bones of the little people. Our fight for decent treatment and conditions for ourselves is hand in hand with our fight for decent treatment and conditions for consumers. 

It was an interesting kind of morning.

The Dissociative Initiative has Incorporated

We did it. A bunch of us met up again, spent about 5 hours wrangling with the Constitution, then voted the DI, and our first board into being.

What's it like to give birth to an organisation? Exhilarating. We have come together and made something beautiful, something I love and believe in, something worth all the time and effort and anxiety of the process. Is it over? No. So much if the work is just beginning. We have policies and procedures to write, new groups and resources to create, funding applications to submit, collaborations with other organisations to work on. But we now exist as an entity; a not-for-profit, national organisation. It's a huge step for something that started several years ago as a frustrated conversation about the inadequacy of supports for people who experience dissociation. We are making a difference.

Holding my childhood to ransom turns one

This blog is now one year old!

On this day, the 1st of August in 2011, I wrote my first post (entry) on this blog. Wow. Since then, I've published 410 posts, almost every day of the year and sometimes more often. I've had over 46,000 pageviews, mainly from Australia, the US, and the UK. The most common search words new readers use to find this site are about ink paintings or feeling chronically suicidal. My most read posts of all time have been About Multiplicity, followed by Multiplicity and Relationships, then My short film; Regeneration.

I've done three major blog make-overs, changing the format, layout, background image and fonts. I've added, edited, and deleted pages as I've learned what common questions people have. I've carefully grown my lists of topics to make it easier for people to find information in a particular area only. I've moved over to smart phone apps for most of my day to day blogging and photography. I've handed out a lot of business cards, and emailed a lot of links to relevant posts instead of having to type out all the same information over again for many different people. I've started to think seriously about writing a book about managing dissociation and mental health.

I've met a lot of other amazing bloggers and peer workers, and received some amazing feedback about the value of an online resource like this. I'm very proud of this blog, and I'm continuing to develop, refine, and improve it.

I am sometimes asked if writing this blog helps me. It's an interesting question. I have certainly benefited in some very definable ways. The most obvious to me is in my writing. I now type quickly, mentally structure content quickly, and edit much, much more efficiently than previously. Setting myself a deadline of a post each day has streamlined my writing process and more than that, it has made me more mindful of my projects and how I'm spending my time. When I have an interesting conversation with someone about mental health I often catch myself starting to mentally write a blog post about it. Days that used to pass by in a haze of dissociation I can nail down to photos and blog entries. I notice things more.

Forcing myself to coherently explore feelings and ideas here on the blog has also been useful. It's helped me to make the emotional more tangible, clarified my thinking on many topics, helped me to understand my own feelings and reasoning better. Some of the conversations and comments, particularly on facebook where they tend to be livelier, have been extremely interesting and useful. Feeling that I'm helping people, that I'm making progress on goals such as humanising and destigmatising people with poorly understood conditions such as DID has been sustaining. It's also been a useful platform to explore or explain things to groups of people at once. As a peer worker there are certain questions I am very often asked, such as 'How can I help someone after a trauma?' Writing these into this blog not only frees me from constantly reiterating the same information, it helps to get it out there for those who don't ask but were hoping someone else might. The internet is an amazing tool to offer support for those who are silently searching for hope at 4am.

I've used this blog to broaden my own connections, and recently, to out myself publicly about multiplicity and bisexuality. The blog has been a very useful instrument in helping me achieve my goals of living openly. It's also saved me a lot of awkward individual conversations with everyone I know, or the bluntness of outing yourself through a facebook status. I've made (and occasionally lost) friends through this blog, and I like that new friends can come here and learn about my life and passions.

Perhaps most importantly, this blog is one of the key ways I feel I have a voice. A few years ago I accepted labels like 'mentally ill' and 'consumer' without rancour. I have experienced some of the best and worst of the mental health system, I know what it feels like to have no power, no voice, no credibility. For far too much of my life, my opinion simply hasn't mattered. Today, I hate the term mentally ill, and I refuse to be a 'consumer' anywhere that doesn't treat me with respect. I'm tired of being on the bottom of the hierarchy. So I've left it behind and created a new life. In my world and my resources, it's okay to be queer, okay to have a trauma history and some emotional vulnerabilities, okay to disagree without being attacked, and okay to be friends. The values behind the groups I facilitate, such as diversity and acceptance, are those I try to live by in all my life. This blog is my territory, where my values inform it, a place I can explain the reasoning behind all the arguments I lose in my life - that traumatised people are not a minority, that DID is not always iatrogenic, that those of us who struggle with suicide are not merely selfish. Conversations I've had where I've been dismissed, overruled, or intimidated by those with more social power but perhaps less experience or compassion don't silence me any longer. I pick myself back up, from the crushing submission to authority or the instinctive rebellion against being belittled and dehumanised, and I gather up my thoughts and piece together the argument and the explanation I was trying to give, and I post it here. Where the other vulnerable people, who are also crushed at times by a ruthless culture or insensitive health system can find a different way of looking at their lives. That means a lot to me. There's a phrase I keep coming across that captures the massive social and technological changes in our time; 'We are the Media'. I like it.