What does it mean to be bisexual? I've been surprised by how many people have asked me what the word means. Wiki defines it as romantic or sexual attraction or behaviour towards males and females, which is a good start.
It's probably easiest to define if I disentangle it from some of the misconceptions:
1. Bisexual doesn't mean wanting to have more than one partner at the same time. This preference is called polyamory, or poly. It's been a bit startling to have people assume that I'm in an open relationship on the basis of my bisexual identity! Some poly people are also bisexual, others are straight, others are gay.
2. Bisexual doesn't mean lots of sexual partners. Without judging anyone who enjoys casual sex, I'm not geared that way. These are separate concepts.
3. Bisexual doesn't mean that I can't make up my mind about what gender I like. It doesn't mean I'm really gay but not properly out of the closet. It doesn't mean I'm really straight but want to experiment or get into the cool nightclubs. :) Being with a partner does't mean that I've gone straight or gone gay.
4. Bisexual doesn't mean that I'm attracted to all men and all women, any more than being straight means being attracted to everyone of the other gender. One of the ways I explain what bisexuality means for me, particularly when kids ask, is that I am capable of falling in love with a very few men in this world, and a very few women.
5. Bisexual doesn't mean being equally attracted to men and women. I've read bizarre reviews of openly bisexual celebrities' lives where the number of months they've been in relationships with men and months with women were compared and used to assess that they were 'really' gay or straight unless they exactly matched. Let's put sexual preferences on a scale for a moment - on one end we have entirely straight, on the other, entirely gay. Many people strongly identify with one or the other end of this spectrum. Some people are right in the middle. Some people are more up side than the other, perhaps they mostly date men but have fallen for one or two women. Because there is a political aspect to how we identify ourselves, some people are attracted to men and women but choose to identify with their strongest, primary focus - women who identify as lesbian but have the occasional fling with a guy for example. If being mostly into one gender means you're more comfortable identifying yourself as straight or gay instead of bi that's absolutely your right, and it's an accurate description of your tastes most of the time, even if occasionally you surprise your friends.
However, you can be anywhere in this spectrum between totally straight and totally gay, and identify as bisexual. It's not something you have to prove by having sex or lots of relationships. It's not just a dead-centre third category between straight and gay. It's all the ground between straight and gay, even if that means 'mostly into guys and sometimes into girls' or vice versa. You can live and express that any way that's right for you.
6. Bisexual doesn't mean sexual predator, paedophile, or sociopath. Enough said!
7. Bisexual doesn't mean unfaithful. It doesn't mean 'pining' for the gender your partner isn't. It doesn't mean being dissatisfied in any relationship. It doesn't mean betraying and hurting people. Certainly there are bisexual people who do these things, but that is not a result of their orientation. There's a deep distrust of bisexual women within the lesbian community where being hurt by partners - especially those who have been left for a male partner, has been ascribed to the orientation and led to a lot of distrust and discrimination.
Bisexuality can be difficult. There are some unique pressures, a lot of misunderstanding and hostility from the straight and gay communities. Social and family pressures can lead to poor decisions and hurtful behaviour where bisexual people walk out of same-sex relationships to find partners who's gender won't make them stand out for such strife.
8. Bisexual doesn't mean gender-bending. Bisexual relationships with same and other gendered partners can be completely 'straight' or completely 'gay' for the period of that relationship. Some people enjoy playing with the roles and ideas around gender, but again this is a separate concept from being bisexual. Bisexual is about liking men and women. It doesn't say anything about your own gender identity.
9. Bisexual doesn't mean pansexual. Pansexual can be thought of as a sub-type of bisexuality. Some people describe themselves as 'gender-blind', meaning they don't choose partners on the basis of gender but personality instead. When you explore a little more in the marginalised communities of intersex people (those who have both male and female characteristics) transsexual people (those who have a gender identity different from their physical sex) and transvestites (people who dress in clothes of the other gender), you start to see gender differently. There's a term for this - genderqueer. It's a big umbrella term that basically means - anything outside of the gender binary of men born in male bodies who dress like men and like 'male' things and likewise women. A common form of genderqueer you've probably come across is people who have an androgynous look.
People who identify as pansexual are embracing gender and sexuality as spectrums that overlap or people who do not identify as either male or female, or who move between male and female at different times, or identify as both, and so on. They are comfortable with behaviour, dress, bodies, and expressions of self that are outside of the cultural norm of binary male/female. Bisexuality has been defined within that binary - liking both men and women. Pansexuality is similar but different.
If you'd like to learn a little more about people who identify as genderqueer, I'd recommend the blog The Felt Fedora.
I hope that's been helpful and cleared up a few myths. People who are bisexual can also be many other things, but it's helpful to pull apart what the word itself means and what it doesn't. It's been a really interesting process for me since coming out and dealing with people's reactions. I've been surprised how few people have a clear understanding of what the term means! It's not really that complicated. :)
It's probably easiest to define if I disentangle it from some of the misconceptions:
1. Bisexual doesn't mean wanting to have more than one partner at the same time. This preference is called polyamory, or poly. It's been a bit startling to have people assume that I'm in an open relationship on the basis of my bisexual identity! Some poly people are also bisexual, others are straight, others are gay.
2. Bisexual doesn't mean lots of sexual partners. Without judging anyone who enjoys casual sex, I'm not geared that way. These are separate concepts.
3. Bisexual doesn't mean that I can't make up my mind about what gender I like. It doesn't mean I'm really gay but not properly out of the closet. It doesn't mean I'm really straight but want to experiment or get into the cool nightclubs. :) Being with a partner does't mean that I've gone straight or gone gay.
4. Bisexual doesn't mean that I'm attracted to all men and all women, any more than being straight means being attracted to everyone of the other gender. One of the ways I explain what bisexuality means for me, particularly when kids ask, is that I am capable of falling in love with a very few men in this world, and a very few women.
5. Bisexual doesn't mean being equally attracted to men and women. I've read bizarre reviews of openly bisexual celebrities' lives where the number of months they've been in relationships with men and months with women were compared and used to assess that they were 'really' gay or straight unless they exactly matched. Let's put sexual preferences on a scale for a moment - on one end we have entirely straight, on the other, entirely gay. Many people strongly identify with one or the other end of this spectrum. Some people are right in the middle. Some people are more up side than the other, perhaps they mostly date men but have fallen for one or two women. Because there is a political aspect to how we identify ourselves, some people are attracted to men and women but choose to identify with their strongest, primary focus - women who identify as lesbian but have the occasional fling with a guy for example. If being mostly into one gender means you're more comfortable identifying yourself as straight or gay instead of bi that's absolutely your right, and it's an accurate description of your tastes most of the time, even if occasionally you surprise your friends.
However, you can be anywhere in this spectrum between totally straight and totally gay, and identify as bisexual. It's not something you have to prove by having sex or lots of relationships. It's not just a dead-centre third category between straight and gay. It's all the ground between straight and gay, even if that means 'mostly into guys and sometimes into girls' or vice versa. You can live and express that any way that's right for you.
6. Bisexual doesn't mean sexual predator, paedophile, or sociopath. Enough said!
7. Bisexual doesn't mean unfaithful. It doesn't mean 'pining' for the gender your partner isn't. It doesn't mean being dissatisfied in any relationship. It doesn't mean betraying and hurting people. Certainly there are bisexual people who do these things, but that is not a result of their orientation. There's a deep distrust of bisexual women within the lesbian community where being hurt by partners - especially those who have been left for a male partner, has been ascribed to the orientation and led to a lot of distrust and discrimination.
Bisexuality can be difficult. There are some unique pressures, a lot of misunderstanding and hostility from the straight and gay communities. Social and family pressures can lead to poor decisions and hurtful behaviour where bisexual people walk out of same-sex relationships to find partners who's gender won't make them stand out for such strife.
8. Bisexual doesn't mean gender-bending. Bisexual relationships with same and other gendered partners can be completely 'straight' or completely 'gay' for the period of that relationship. Some people enjoy playing with the roles and ideas around gender, but again this is a separate concept from being bisexual. Bisexual is about liking men and women. It doesn't say anything about your own gender identity.
9. Bisexual doesn't mean pansexual. Pansexual can be thought of as a sub-type of bisexuality. Some people describe themselves as 'gender-blind', meaning they don't choose partners on the basis of gender but personality instead. When you explore a little more in the marginalised communities of intersex people (those who have both male and female characteristics) transsexual people (those who have a gender identity different from their physical sex) and transvestites (people who dress in clothes of the other gender), you start to see gender differently. There's a term for this - genderqueer. It's a big umbrella term that basically means - anything outside of the gender binary of men born in male bodies who dress like men and like 'male' things and likewise women. A common form of genderqueer you've probably come across is people who have an androgynous look.
People who identify as pansexual are embracing gender and sexuality as spectrums that overlap or people who do not identify as either male or female, or who move between male and female at different times, or identify as both, and so on. They are comfortable with behaviour, dress, bodies, and expressions of self that are outside of the cultural norm of binary male/female. Bisexuality has been defined within that binary - liking both men and women. Pansexuality is similar but different.
If you'd like to learn a little more about people who identify as genderqueer, I'd recommend the blog The Felt Fedora.
I hope that's been helpful and cleared up a few myths. People who are bisexual can also be many other things, but it's helpful to pull apart what the word itself means and what it doesn't. It's been a really interesting process for me since coming out and dealing with people's reactions. I've been surprised how few people have a clear understanding of what the term means! It's not really that complicated. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment